Trouble Is Everywhere

I'm still feeling incredibly incapable of being kind to people right now, so I'm taking another week away from the internets after this post, but wanted to share two bits of news.

1. Don's biopsy for possible thyroid cancer is scheduled for July 9, which is simultaneously Very Far Away and OMG SO SOON. I feel that waiting for the results will not be too long, but this may be wishful thinking on my part. (Now that I'm waiting for results, that three-day turnaround time that we had when I was working typing lab reports Back In The Day doesn't seem nearly so fast.)

2. I received this lovely email:

Hello Joanna, [That's my government name.]

I am very pleased to tell you that our Graduate Committee is recommending to the Faculty of Graduate Studies that you be accepted into the M.A. program in History. A formal letter will be on its way shortly with full details of our offer. Unfortunately, it is not possible to offer you any funding at this time. [I knew this when applying, and funding is handled.]

The ultimate decision on your admission is made by the Faculty of Graduate Studies; you are not actually admitted into our M.A. program until and unless FGS approves your admission and a formal letter of acceptance is issued by the Registrar's Office.

[Very Wonderful Person]
Graduate Secretary
History Department
Dalhousie University

Their acceptance letters come with semi-colons! *swoon*

*crawls back under rock, for the most part*

Everyone else seems to be handling school just fine which I know is ridiculous and untrue but there it is. *sigh* I mean, I'm working on an essay right now that was due last week and I'm afraid to go to class and tell the prof that no, it's still not done and obviously no one else in the class is struggling, only me. Even though the prof told me three weeks ago that if I was struggling due to Don's surgery throwing off my game to just let him know and he'd give me an extension. I'm still afraid to tell him "Look, this isn't done, and I hate it, and yes I'm working on it." I'm afraid he'll stamp my head FAIL! even though, you know, that would be totally out of character for him since this is the prof who also emailed me to tell me that he appreciated my contributions in class. Just out of the blue.

Grrrrr. I hate my brain today. Hate. And in an hour and a half I'm meeting thesis!adviser to see if my latest thesis chapter is also made of FAIL! and my brain is full of brain weasels so obviously I'm going to have to rewrite Chapter 2 for the fifth time this week as well as write Chapter 3 and conclusion and FAIL FAIL FAIL.

I don't want to go to class today, even though skipping class would be further proof of fail. If prof is going to FAIL! me for not handing in the essay yet, he's going to do it even if I'm not there, and at least being there I'm still learning and can interact and maybe even talk to him about this and tell him what's going on. So, yes, I will go to class, and maybe even learn something other than FAIL FAIL FAIL.

Note to self: Next time, don't take six classes on top of Thesis. Not good for brain.

1. I hate not knowing if I should try and do work when I'm this tired, because I'm awake anyway, or if I should avoid doing work because what I do will be crap.

2. I hate that the time difference means most of the folks I chat with online on a regular basis are asleep or at work. Or, in some cases, both.

3. I hate that I can't go out and get someone to make me tea at 3:15 in the morning. And I hate that I really want someone to make me tea, as opposed to making the damned tea myself. Lazy!

4. I hate that I don't know what's causing insomnia now.

5. I hate that I have way too many things to get done this weekend and not enough energy to do most of it because I've had insomnia again.

6. Actually, the number one thing I hate about insomnia? It feeds into my angst. Woe! WOE! The world is horrible and bad because I'm tired. Stupid melodramatic me.

7. Insomnia also makes me really really irritable and snappish.

Look! It's me trying to do a self-portrait on the day Don & I went graveyard hopping. Guess what I'm wearing on my head!

So, I'm doing a fabulous job of procrastinating on my Thesis, thank you all for asking. *grips head in hands* I'd ask what was wrong with me, but I've been a terrible procrastinator my whole life, so answering that question could take a lot of...

oh, wait a moment.

No. No. Must be an adult.

Part of it is I've been sick, and my brain is mushy and I don't want to think. Part of it is just pure stubborness. I don't want to write 20 pages this week. I hate writing 20 pages. I hate everyone! *pout*

I really wish I could just present orally, you know? "Let me tell you the story of the Nova Scotia School for the Deaf and Dumb. Come back with me, children, to a simpler time, the 1850s, when men were men, women were women, and deaf people were considered quaint child-like creatures who would never amount to anything. It'll be fun!"

*sigh*

I really wish this wasn't such a struggle.

I have a major blizzard warning for my city, with snow starting "this evening" and lasting all day tomorrow. We're expecting between 25 and 50 cm.

I'm going into work early because I am a chump so my coworker who can't apparently remember that NYE happens every year on the same date and so didn't ask for the night off or to work the midshift that ends at 8 can make it to his NYE party.

I originally was going to suggest Don come visit me around 11:30 tonight to do the Traditional New Year's Eve Thing of being together, and then did the math: In the last six years, Don and I have been in the same building at midnight on NYE once.* Usually, we're on different continents.

Ah well. Ignore my gloominess - I just don't want to get snowed in at work tonight. Boo!







* It was at a party at Sarah's, of which the only significant occurrence that I'm willing to get into on LJ is that we watched Labyrinth. Oh, and it rained, making a distinct lack of fireworks.

I just slept for about 14 hours straight.

I have this strange recollection of Don waking me up at some point and putting food in my hands. I must have eaten it, because there's a plate near my head. I don't think I even put on my glasses.

I don't think I quite realised how much stress had been leaving me exhausted all the time.

Now it's 4:30 a.m. in beautiful downtown Halifax. I have a bit more school work left to do this semester, but nothing that will kill me. I'm all... confused, and tentative.

It's like I can't remember how to talk to people.

I should call my parents. The last time I talked to them was August. I wonder if they still know who I am.

Don Updates:

So, as I think I mentioned a bit ago, Don's wheelchair arrived a couple of weeks back, and it is the most awesome and amazing thing in the whole world omg.

To put this in some sort of perspective, before we got the wheelchair, planning on going to tea was typically a two day affair, to ensure Don would have the energy to walk the block and a half to the tea place, sit up in their chairs (if the comfy couch wasn't free, which since the tea shop has gotten very popular happens but rarely), have tea, play chess, and then walk back. Sometimes we'd have to cancel, or cut things short, because he just couldn't handle it.

Since getting the chair, Don has attended no less than 15 different doctor's appointments scattered all across the city, picked up groceries multiple times, met me at tea where I've proceeded to ignore him because I've been working on my Lit Review (oh thesis, how you have eaten my soul), went to the very cold memorial on December 6th, attended a protest rally (and got his photo taken many times - good signage that I came up with thank you very much), and tomorrow is planning on going out to a boardgame meet up.

Oh, and we went to the mall and the person who needed to sit down and feel exhausted was me!

Wow. Just... wow. It's the best thing ever. I want to cuddle it, except it's bigger than me and might not appreciate that.

It's basic black (pics to come!) and we've decided against the wings just because it already takes up a huge amount of space. Instead we're going to tie ribbons all over the back so that when he's cruising along (at up to 20 kph!) he can have streaming ribbons behind him.

And we planned a whole nifty costume for Halloween or Wiscon involving Steampunk and aviator goggles and side wings and it's going to be so cool!!!

He also had appointments this week with the orthopedics people about making him some braces for his ankles that will make it easier for him to walk sort distances without pain. (Nice, because the wheelchair is big and bulky and we can't take a cab or go in a car or anything with it, and a lot of stores are not accessible, and you see the problem, right?) The braces are ugly as sin right now, and really emphasize how tiny and thin his ankles are for his height, but watching him walk with them is... well, you'd have to have watched Don walk a lot to notice the difference, I think, but there is a difference and this is the best.

That part I will totally send my love and gratitude to all the Canadian taxpayers for contributing to. The wheelchair he qualified for through a charity. (I don't know the charity, but once I find out I'll gush about it all over the place. I've been a bit too out of touch lately.)

But.

He's attended so many doctor's appointments because he has Cthulu growing in his head right now.
( wow this got long )
So, some good news, some bad news. But overall, I think things are okay.

Funny story, at least to me. Every time we go to some new specialist that isn't specifically related to the Marfan's, they bring in all sorts of folks to look at the Textbook Marfan's Case. When he went into Emerg in the UK the doctor very gently broke it to him that he might have Marfan's syndrome, and then the follow up appointment in the ear specialist had the doctor bring in all of his students to look at him and ask him questions about Marfan's, and last week's appointment meant the doctor and his student both really really really wanted to look at the inside of his mouth because the palate with Marfan's is unique and characteristic and they may never have seen someone with it before, and it's happened at all sorts of weird places. I probably shouldn't find it funny, but doctors are so cute when they're excited.

At least this one didn't ask him to pull up his shirt so they could see his caved-in-chest thingy.

I think I shall try and sleep some more. Apparently typing this was exhausting. Or maybe I'm just a bit behind on my sleep.

(just a tiny bit. really.)

I hate my thesis, I hate everyone who encouraged me to go back to school, I hate my school, I hate my adviser, ( I hate a whole bunch of people )
Well, except you. And the Librarian who suggested I should make my entire literature review "No one has ever done this topic, I'm the only scholar and there is no one as good as me, so there."

ARGHGHGHGHGHGHHG!!

[The school is questioning my commitment to sparkle motion my education because I'm working 40-ish hours a week and not dedicating that time to my studies. You know, that makes me LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH.]

I've been wanting to write a post about the Orange Prize for about six months now, and every time I sit down to write it gets side tracked into this gushing post about Lionel Shriver.

I think this is a hint from the back of my brain.

I don't know how to gush about an author whose books I devour as quickly as possible and then must get as physically far away from me as I can as soon as I'm finished them. I am gutted after reading each one of her books. I spend weeks afterwards talking about the issues they bring up, the characters, the plots, the underlying assumptions. I go at turns bitter, sad, angry, depressed, and then want to find her next book and read that.

( We Need To Talk About Kevin )
Obviously I went looking for her other books as soon as possible.

( Double Fault )

Harsh book. Threw it away from me as soon as I was finished, and vowed to stop buying Shriver's books because every time I read them I have to get rid of them.

( The Post Birthday World )
This was hard cover. It made a satisfying thump when it hit the wall, and then I took it back to the library.

I don't know how to recommend books that are harsh and thought-provoking and compelling and yet make me want them physically out of my home as soon as I'm done them. I think they are amazing. I think they are evil.

I think the next one isn't coming out in North America until 2010.

Damn it, that's a really long time to wait.

Short Form: Taking break from LJ. I have to admit, the class schedule starting next month is *scaring me witless*. (Of course, every time I say I'm taking a break from the internet, I last about three days, so who knows...)

( long form - tl;dr )

I can't sleep. I have posts about stuff brewing in my head, and I have posts about not-stuff also brewing in my head. So, I will attempt to info-dump the not-stuff in the hopes that I will then be able to sleep, because tomorrow is another job interview in the morning, followed by another skills test, and I understand it's necessary to be awake for those sorts of things.

1. I randomly don't think I want to know what the older gentleman in the grocery store wanted with 17 blocks of unsalted butter.

2. I went on a tour of the uni I want to attend in the fall. Can someone tell me when undergrads got so young? I wanted to take the two boys on the tour home, feed them, and ask them how their last year at Hogwarts was. Even the guy giving the tour felt young to me. *sigh* I think that makes me officially Old. Soon, I will be telling people how great school was back in MY days, not like it is now, with your newfangled computers and gluten-free meal plans!

3. Speaking of young, same grocery store trip I found myself grinning as a ten-year-old girl was telling her parents about this BOY at school who was MEAN and her dad said (in that amused tone of voice) "Is he annoying you because he likes you?" and she said "No, dad, don't be silly!" and before she could get any farther her mom said "No, dear, trust me, he's doing it because he likes you." I find those conversations amusing now but back in the day I wanted to hit everyone who said that. "No, he's being mean because he's a MEAN BOY!" Ah, young love.

4. It's all thysanotus's fault! Don & I are watching West Wing. Currently, I'm in love with CJ & Donna & Mandi. Sadly, our rented DVDs cut out Episode 5 on the first set, so we're skipping the rest of that DVD and going on to episode 9 tomorrow. I have, however, invented a drinking game. Every time that one thing every episode happens that makes me feel punched in the gut by the show, I down a shot. Since I'm drinking the really nice rum Sarah bought me in Edinburgh (67% alcohol!), by the third episode I just don't care anymore. This is helpful.

5. I apparently am employable, as I start a new temp gig on Friday. I am apparently unemployable, as they decided I wasn't the right fit for the really great permanent job they brought me in to interview for. Apparently when you can't really effectively answer "Where do you see yourself in two years?" and also near the end start talking very excitedly about planned trips to Europe and Mexico and Greece and the like, they don't want to put you forward for something permanent. For some reason I feel disappointed at this outcome, even though I wasn't sure I wanted a permanent job anyway. (See: planned trip to Europe, which would be six months at least.) (If you're wondering why I'm interviewing again tomorrow, different temp agency. I'm hoping to find people who will give me lots of money to do audio typing, as the gig on Friday is reception work. I expect to be bored.)

6. I BOUGHT A BUTTON! My button is AWESOME! It goes on my purse/bag/whatever you call it in your country. It says "Actions speak louder than buttons". I love it. I want an icon that says "Actions speak louder than Icons". I will love it and call it LOVE ICON.

7. My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants.

8. Not really just for weaverandom, but kinda just for her, I made a Flickr set of Anna & Her Fabulous Hats, which are many and varied. Tomorrow I must buy a toque and some mittens and a scarf of many bright and wonderful colours!

9. Which would be easier to remember to do if it bothered to get cold around these parts. Plus 3? WTF, Halifax, it's winter!

10. I can come up with nothing to make this a rounded list of some numbered varied. Bah.

Now, I will try and sleep again. (Don complains that I type too loud. My response? "Bigger flat now." Ug, I hate one-room flats. Hate.)